I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
i think im in europe. pls send help
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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