I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
