Have you finally orgasmed yet?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
