Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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