i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
