Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
