8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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