Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
