True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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