ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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