last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I just had sex on a roof
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize