11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
