just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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