Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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