I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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