Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Randomize
