Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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