My friends, they love my intelligence
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
My feet surprised me
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