i think my mom watched the whole time
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
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