I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
