I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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