i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
