She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
