I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
