Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
