I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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