I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
