I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
