Your mouth is God's brothel.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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