Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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