thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize