she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
