In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
