Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
