She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
