i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
