Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Send help, water and tortillas.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
