My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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