I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
