don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
