bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize