happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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