i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
