my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize