Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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