Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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