I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
