I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
