DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
