Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize