I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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