apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
my shit smells like andre
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
