dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize