He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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