I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
