i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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