last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
