Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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